Girls Need Love
photography + creative direction // Kiah McBride
He can feel my vibe.
I’ve never been a shy girl, my eyes betray me before my lips part and speak what we’ve both been thinking. And it’s been on my mind all day. In the morning where wet dreams saturate dry sheets. At work where hidden corners become forbidden fantasies. On a Sunday, when thoughts slip past pulpits and dive into pools of pleasure.
Mmmm. Yes, Lawd.
I’m not afraid to ask for what I want.
And I ain’t too proud to beg for what I need. His touch sends a shiver down my spine, and if I wasn’t careful, I’d be walking on thin ice—bound to break at any time. I want something that Ben & Jerry’s can’t satisfy. Limited edition, my ice cream is a unique flavor. His cream is filling. I cream, I’m willing.
But I can’t let just anyone take a dip.
Rainbows are rare, and not every beau deserves a taste. I never claimed to be a good girl, but I’m bad at pretending that something casual is what I desire. Temporary interactions don’t work for a woman who aims to please and to be pleasured.
My worth has me waiting. Discipline has me marinating. It takes more than sweet words and soft touches to get the best of me. I’m holding out for a life-long commitment. Not thirsty for a diamond baby I’m a ruby—one of a kind, uncommon. No God complex, I just see God in me.
Girls need love, but women know they’re the epitome of it.
Girls need love, but women know they’re the epitome of it. I’ll love myself first before I settle for some casual dick.
A Man Won't Make You Happy
photography // Coco Dandridge
creative direction // Kiah McBride
Nobody wants to talk about
the work that’s necessary long before
he hops in your DM’s.
And few speak to the dry bones of skeletons past that need clearing before you say “I do.” It’s not sexy, becoming whole. It doesn’t sound as easy as dressing up insecurities or masking mistakes.
It’s work, that inner self.
It takes a certain level of commitment to right your wrongs, and it takes a certain kind of humble to admit that you didn’t know how to get it right to begin with.
We talk about being real with
everyone but ourselves.
We voice what we want, make lists of our expectations, complain that nobody matches our standards, but never stop to question, do we even give ourselves what we’re asking for? Nah, we just expect someone to come in and provide what we’re lacking. Empty vessels desperate to be poured into.
We’re chasing the wrong thing.
We want to be Cardi B but offset the possibility of holy matrimony by focusing on wedding rings and the “finer” things instead of fine-tuning the parts of us that need repair.
We want a mechanic, not a partner.
We want quick fixes and half-priced results.
It don’t work that way.
To keep it real with you—you attract who you are. And quite frankly I believe I deserve the best. So I challenged myself daily to become what I’m worth. My own savior, I became the solution instead of waiting on a man to swoop in and save the day.
Conflict resolution—I’m the answer, no longer the problem.
I’m the superhero dressed in the cape.
You'll Self-Sabotage Love Until You Find It In Yourself
She was going to lose him. She felt it in their last conversation—a two-hour, too long discourse that threw her off course of the dialogue that she intended it to be.
He treated her good. Great even. There was no doubt about that. But the broken part of her always found a way to self-sabotage. A deeper part of her, admittedly, didn’t believe that she deserved his love. She feared it even, despite knowing that love and fear can’t coexist.
In the midst of tearing down her walls she tore at his heart. She latched on a little too hard. With every inhale she drew from his soul hoping to fill her own. With every exhale she released her doubts, insecurities, and fears, and, for dear life, gulped down his compliments, praises, and words of wisdom. It was an uneven exchange.
He told her to look into the mirror. To find love within herself. To let go of her hurt. And she did. She stared intently into her dark eyes, but when the tears began to well up she had to turn away. She couldn’t quite face the dark parts of her that had been hidden behind cute selfies, funny Snapchat filters, and witty Twitter remarks. She couldn’t admit to herself that her yearning for love came from a part of her that was starving for acceptance, validation and confirmation that she was good enough, more than enough.
She couldn’t admit to herself that her yearning for love came from a part of her that was starving for acceptance.
She did her best to avoid conflict, but then, that too was the problem. She was always avoiding reality, choosing to live in the fallacy that she was okay, that she was ready, that she was whole. That’s what got her here in the first place, in a relationship that she wasn’t ready for. She was thirsty, and he was Fiji—deep, refreshing, supreme.
She thought it was love only to learn that it was lack, for love of herself and of him would’ve resulted in a different outcome. She would’ve waited, she would’ve respected. She realized that when she picked up The Mastery of Love and began to see parts of herself in each chapter—“The Wounded Mind,” “The Loss of Innocence,” they all spoke to parts that were damaged before she even had the opportunity to understand who she was, and accept who she wasn’t. She let the world become her mirror. She let the absence of positive relationships harden her heart and outside voices whisper her failures. She allowed pain to mask her beauty.
She was sleeping on her truth, and she was ashamed that it took the possibility of loss to wake her up. She had gotten so comfortable in her own dysfunction that she couldn’t even see herself clearly.
Yet, surprisingly, a feeling of hope began to stir inside of her. She knew she couldn’t take back the past, but she could change the future. As long as breath was in her body there was still time to repair what was broken. An excavation, her friend called it. A revival, she declared.
But it was her choice. Not his. Not the world’s. Hers, and hers only to make. And she decided. And she let go of the fear of love and being loved. She chose to be real with herself and do the work, and become the very thing that she lacked.
Start your journey on becoming love by getting your copy of The Mastery of Love.
Stop Asking For A Man That You’re Not Ready For
I go through periods of self-evaluation where I get real and ask myself am I everything that I’m asking for. If I’m asking to be blessed with a new opportunity, I question whether or not I’m also providing opportunities for others. If I’m asking for someone to come and speak into my life, I question whether or not I’m speaking to others on the level that I’m at. And if I’m asking to be positioned around likeminded people, I check my own actions to make sure that I’m the person that I want to be positioned around. I find it necessary because it’s easy to get off track. It’s easy to start wanting more than what you’re giving, and to fall into this “me only” mentality out of emotional greed. Lately, I’ve seen a lot of people openly sharing that they would like to have a partner: someone to go out with, cuddle with, and share their problems with whenever the need arises. Someone to rub their booties, feed their bellies, and make them feel good when they’re not at their best. I don’t know if it’s because cuffing season is around the corner and people are anticipating those cold nights alone while their friends brag about their Netflix and Chill escapades, or if they’re genuinely looking for someone who will fall in love with them, flaws and all. But seeing these cries for love (or maybe lust) made me take another look at myself, and I wondered, why am I not asking for those things, too?
It’s not that I’m heartless or that I’ve sworn off the opposite sex because I’m on my super feminist “don’t want a man, don’t need a man” mantra, but because I’ve identified an imbalance that needs to be checked before I start asking for more deposits. The problem to me is that so many of us claim we want somebody who’s an asset when we’re the ones who are liabilities.
“Many of us claim we want somebody who’s an asset when we’re the ones who are liabilities.”
We want someone to love us, take care of us, compliment us, and strengthen us when we don’t even do those things for ourselves. We ask for a partner with financial stability when we’re still living paycheck-to-paycheck, expecting them to elevate us from broke to boss instead of coming to the table with our own instead. We want someone who will be loving and affectionate but criticize ourselves for not being good enough, so they now have to go above and beyond to give what we should already have. We want someone to pour their half into our empty cups and then wonder why we are still only half full. It’s a backwards mentality, and one that leads to breakups and breakdowns that are sometimes irreparable.
It’s not always that the person wasn’t right for you, maybe it’s that you weren’t right for them. Just maybe you’re alone because you still have some internal work to do, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all have periods where we have to go back in and fix things. It’s called self-maintenance. During times of maintenance you have to go off-line because you are of no value to anybody until you’re repaired, otherwise you’re putting others at risk of breaking down with you.
“Maybe you’re alone because you still have some internal work to do.”
It’s not fair to ask someone to be your asset when you’re not in a place where you can make a return on their investment. So do yourself a favor and stop asking for someone you’re not ready for. Invest in yourself so that you don’t become a liability to others.